Yesterday felt so heavy, my feet felt like cement blocks that I slowly dragged through an infinite fog. I couldn’t see where I was going but I somehow knew where my feet would land. Kendrick Lamar whispered in my ear, “Ain’t nobody praying for me,’ as I scrolled Instagram and stopped at a post that read, “Your grandmother’s prayers are still protecting you.” Synchronicity hit me as I realized what day it was.
She would’ve been 86 today. Birthdays were the most special occasion when I was young. My grandmother had an address book that was an information hub of random tidbits, a rolodex of every person she had met and when their birthday was. For my grandmother’s birthdays, my aunts and I would wear her favorite color, purple and we would all go for breakfast and maybe a fashion show or whatever my grandmother wanted to do to celebrate her. I miss those days.
This year, I’ve decided to prioritize honoring myself which means acknowledging my nostalgia and being mindful of the days that are reminders of pain but not allowing myself to dwell there. In 2019, as I continue to move through my healing and on through thriving, I’m being proactive as days approach that could send me toward places where I don’t want to dwell. I am the source of all I seek, including al I thought my grandmother carried with her when she died. I thought I lost so much when she passed, but its like the end of The Wiz when everyone finds out they’ve had everything they’ve been looking for all along.
At some point you have to trust the evidence of your life.
I feel my grandmother’s spirit right here with me today and I’m grateful to be in tune with it. I’m grateful for all of the lessons my pain and trauma have taught me, they’re part of life. I’m no longer claiming L’s as losses, only life lessons and life changes. I’m walking into this week welcoming joy and preserving my peace, determined to not allow traumaversaries to get the best of me. I release the comfort of the downward spiral that usually comes when things don’t go as planned. I trust that in the end, life gives me whatever experience I need to level up and thrive in life.